


Swollen Eyes And Unsaid Goodbyes

by euphoricyi



Series: Rainy Days And Purple Hyacinths [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:41:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27038902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/euphoricyi/pseuds/euphoricyi
Summary: "They've never heard silence quite that loud before."After the screaming and silence, comes the shattering of Tooru's heart. He doesn't deserve this. Or maybe he does. All he knows is that if his mother gets to live the life she's been wanting to, then so be it. He may not be in the picture anymore, but atleast she's happy. That's all that matters.
Series: Rainy Days And Purple Hyacinths [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1973434
Kudos: 8





	Swollen Eyes And Unsaid Goodbyes

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, welcome to my first AO3 fic!
> 
> I want you guys to know that 80% of the events I will be writing about are based on my ACTUAL experiences, so I hope that you guys would take it a bit easy on me. ( Though I am very open to criticism )
> 
> I hope you guys bear with my grammar and such, as this will all be coming from my heart. I'll probably turn this into a collection type of thing so you guys can read them on their own but yeah, I hope you guys like it aaa.
> 
> [ PLEASE READ END NOTES ]

**_“Why can’t you do anything right?”_ **

I visibly flinch at the volume of his mother’s voice from the doorway of my bedroom as I sit atop my bed, legs crossed, knowing what she’s about to say.

_“I support you and your hobbies but you have to set your goddamn priorities right, for fucksake! You even stopped attending the holy mass, what will become of your soul when you pass? I can’t keep on praying for your sake, it doesn’t fucking work that way!”_

Her words about the church go in one ear and out the other. It’s not like I didn’t believe in God, no, I believe that God exists and I even pray for my parent’s health more than mine. 

_“I left my children and missed so many of their firsts, all because I chose to stay with your father.”_

I felt sorry for my siblings, I didn’t deserve my mother’s time and attention. Maybe if I was never born, my mom would’ve been happier with my siblings instead of being obligated to care for a nuisance like me.

“ _You know, I actually tried to abort you, but nothing happened and you still survived.”_

I wish I didn’t survive, I really do. Maybe, just maybe, you would’ve lived a happier and better life if I died that day. You wouldn’t have to deal with me right now if the abortion worked.

Is it because of your faith in the lord? how abortion is a sin? Is that what stopped it? I’ll never know. Maybe this is my punishment for being a bad son, having to live through this cycle. 

_“Why can’t you be like…”_ there it is, the part where she compares me to the people around me. It hurts, I just want to be me. Why does she want me to become someone I’m not, doesn’t she understand that we’re made of different molds?

I can’t just force myself to be someone I’m not. I can’t do it without losing a part of who I am. At this point, I’ve probably lost most of myself. I’m a mess of different personalities and identities, I don’t even know who I am anymore. 

_“...when your generation doesn’t get their way with something, you threaten us adults with the thought of suicide. I don’t care, commit suicide if you want! I won't have anything to do with it because I know that I have been nothing but a great mother to you. God will be the judge of where you go from there on, but you don’t even go to church! so what’s the point?”_

It’s not like I haven’t tried before, mom. I’m a coward behind my obnoxious and loud behavior. Constantly drowning in the feeling of never being good enough to be the son you’re proud of. All I wanted was to make you proud, but the things I do are never enough. You give me reassurance that you are, but are you really? I won’t ever really know what you’re actually thinking. 

  
  


...I hope you’re proud of me, you are, aren’t you?

...aren’t you proud of me, mom?

...mom?

...you aren’t proud of me, huh...

_“Say something, Tooru! Stop sitting there, tell me, why are you like this?”_

Fat tears roll down my cheeks as I listen to my mother repeat this sentence after seeing that I hadn’t responded to her question. Why am I like this? I can’t even answer that question without asking who I actually am. All I wanted was to be the person you've always wanted me to be, I even tried forcing myself onto the mold of my own peers that you love dearly.

_“After all my debts, I’ll be leaving you with your father. I know that all you need to survive is money. That’s how you are, and that’s how you’ll always be.”_

It’s the debts that keep her with me, she needs the money my dad gives, but after that ends. That’s it. She’s going to leave me behind with my father who knows nothing but to smoke cigarettes and ignore his responsibilities as a parent. The only thing he contributes to this family is money. Money can buy happiness, but money can’t buy my mother back.

_“I’m tired of repeating the same words over and over again, when are you going to fucking learn from your mistakes! You can’t expect someone to always come to your every beck and call.”_

I’m tired of simply existing. Everyday, I get thoughts of ending it all. Should I overdose on the pills I keep in my drawers? Point my dad’s gun at my head and pull the trigger? Drink bleach? The ideas in my head are endless. This happens everyday.

_“You never listen to me anyway, what’s the point of telling you all this? I’m so stupid to think that you would still change yourself. I’m such a fool to have a child like you. I would rather spend all my time outside than have to deal with you and your father.”_

My mother storms off, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth with her final words, knowing that she wouldn’t be talking to me in the next few weeks. 

I hear the slamming of the main door and then silence. She’s out. She doesn’t like staying at home knowing that I would just give her problems for simply breathing. 

I walk towards my desk and open my drawer, pulling out a few pieces of paper and a pen. I begin to write a few letters to my friends, family, and to my parents. It’s always like that, I don’t really give them to their respective owners, but compile them instead. Maybe when everything is alright, I would read all my letters and smile. Maybe I would be living a happy life by then. Maybe, just maybe.

I put my pen down and place the notes in their respective envelopes, named ‘Iwa-chan’, ‘Seijoh’, ‘Mom and Dad’, and ‘To everyone else”. I tuck them underneath my mattress and pull out a blade my mom’s visitor left at our house. I stare at the sharp edges, thinking of all the times I’ve been caressed by it. 

**_One. Two. Three._ **

I’m sorry for being a nuisance.

**_Four. Five. Six._ **

I’m sorry for not being who you want me to be.

**_Seven. Eight. Nine._ **

Do you think you could forgive me, one more time?

**_Ten. Eleven. Twelve._ **

Ah, Iwa-chan is gonna be so mad once he finds out about this.

**_Thirteen. Fourteen._ **

I want my siblings to be happy, I’ll be gone soon. Atleast my mom gets to spend time with them, even though I’m no longer in the picture.

**_Fifteen. Sixteen._ **

I hope Iwa, Makki, and Mattsun still have fun without me. I wouldn’t have survived this long if it weren’t for them. But I think I reached my limit already. I’m sorry, guys. Your captain will always believe in you, no matter what.

**_Seventeen._ **

I look down and see my arm completely covered in red. Ah fuck, I think I cut too deep. Feeling nauseous, I stare at the lines and think to myself. This is the end. I’m too weak to move, It’ll all end with me sitting on top of my bed with red stains blooming on the sheets.

**_Eighteen._ **

Thank you for the Eighteen years of happiness and pain. Thank you for always being there for me when everything goes bad. Thank you for tolerating my annoying ways. Thank you for only wanting the best for me. Thank you for giving up so much just for my sake. Thank you, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being so weak. I’m sorry for being a coward. I’m sorry for being selfish. I’m sorry.

  
  


_Tooru feels his arm lose grip, the audible sound of a blade dropping onto the tiled floor echoes in the empty bedroom as he stares at his ceiling. He then closes his eyes and breathes out his final words, ready to leave everything behind._

**_Thank you and I’m sorry, Mother._ **

**_I love you, Goodbye._ **

**Author's Note:**

> This one was based off of an event this morning, my eyes are still swollen, but I had to get my feelings out which ended up with me writing this. I'll be fine I guess. I don't really have a choice. As Tooru said, "I'm sorry for being a coward", and that I am. 
> 
> The quote was something I used to tell myself every time I feel like I'm losing myself to my own thoughts. I just felt like it fit so I put it up there,
> 
> I'll be making this a series of one shots with different characters,,, I just want someplace to vent without having to directly talk to someone but knowing that there is someone out there who can see this.
> 
> If you're reading this rn, I want you to know that I love you and that I am literally one dm away if you need someone to talk to (@bokebokuto on twitter)


End file.
